Who am I?|A.Lozaanba Khumbah

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In silence Who am I? I need some quiet and solitude before I can attempt an honest answer. There is so much cliché answers that I first need to still a multitude of voices before I can get in touch with the things that really matter. If you think that this is a question worth asking, I invite you to join me on this quest. We begin with a few questions. 

If identity is clothing, which ‘clothes’ am I most comfortable in, where I can say, ‘I’m in my own skin’? What belief, ideology, or cause do I live out of and for which I am willing to pay a price? And finally, who do I know myself to be – the person that no one else knows?

These questions help to strip away the layers that accumulate over time and reveal the things that are closest to my sense of self. But it is not an easy thing to do. For some reason, I am afraid to be vulnerable before my very own self! So I often satisfy myself with answers that are being thrown around and let myself be deceived. 

A poem and its author Thankfully, this poem by Dietrich Bonhoeffer provides a helpful narrative. It is an unflinching inquiry on the shape of the self and exposes much of our shallow answers. 

"Who am I? They often tell me I would step from my cell's confinement calmly, cheerfully, firmly, like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me I would talk to my warders  freely and friendly and clearly, as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me I would bear the days of misfortune equably, smilingly, proudly, like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of? Or am I only what I know of myself? restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage, struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat, yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds, thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness, tossing in the expectation of great events, powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance, weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making, faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other? Am I one person today, and tomorrow another? Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others, and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling? Or is something within me like a beaten army fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine. Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer (Feb 4, 1906 - April 9, 1945) was a German theologian and pastor who lived during the Second World War. He was one of the most influential theologians of the 20th century. Along with others, Bonhoeffer plotted to assassinate Hitler but was unsuccessful. The plot was uncovered, he was arrested and later executed, just weeks before Germany surrendered.

The poem titled ‘Who am I?” was written during his imprisonment. It is remarkable that Bonhoeffer wrote this when he was in his 40s. Perhaps it was not an ‘identity crisis’ as one might be inclined to think. But rather, in the harsh environment of prison and the prevailing negativity brought about by a World War, we can probably think of it as a verbalizing of faith.

Bonhoeffer’s identity seems to be fundamentally rooted to his understanding of who God is. The good opinion and respect of his inmates, though important and encouraging, do not seem to affect his core sense of self. Nor does his deep inner struggles that he describes in powerful imageries define what he ultimately is. He writes, ‘…whoever I am’ – without really bothering to define himself – ‘I am thine’ (italics mine). 

Now, this is a completely different way! I cannot help but compare it with my own tendency to derive my sense of worth and identity from the opinions of others or on the basis of my own feelings. In fact, that tendency is so deeply rooted that honestly, I struggle to define myself otherwise. 

 This is me? In fact, the present culture encourages me to say, ‘I am what I am’. Or even: ‘this is me – take it or leave it!’ Popular songs, movies, and writings also tell me to look within, find my own path, and fulfill my dreams even though (and especially when) they go against others’ expectations. Mediated by a pervasive social media, this has become a powerful narrative for young people to make choices and express themselves. But does it provide solid ground for a person’s identity, this idea of ‘being true to yourself’?

Introspection indeed helps us to discover the values, dreams, and wishes that matter to us. But these things make sense only within the larger context of culture, time, and place.  It is wellnigh impossible for me to define myself because I cannot be the standard for myself – I am inconsistent internally. Love and evil, knowledge and prejudice, fairness and selfish motives dwell inconveniently within and are often even present together: which one is the real me? Bonhoeffer expresses it well: ‘Who am I? This or the other? Am I one person today, and tomorrow another? Am I both at once?’

In search of community I have come to realize one thing – I need help. I crave for meaning and purpose but I cannot invent them. I desire intimacy, to be known and loved but I cannot gift myself these. Sometimes I crave for conversation as if searching for a breath of fresh air! Simply put, I can be fully human only within a community.

But communities are mostly based on nationality, race, religion, gender, political ideology, economic classes or tribal affiliations. These have fractured the world. But what is more tragic is that globalization and information technology do not erase identities. On the contrary, they reconfigure and reinforce identities in different ways as communities seek to define or rather defend their uniqueness. Perhaps one of the defining characteristics of our time is the insecurity within communities. There has got to be more. Or is this all there is?

I am thine I think Bonhoeffer is right. My identity is not so much about who I think I am or what people think of me as much as it is about whose I am. In other words, who I am is really about who has my final allegiance. Is it my country, the color of my skin, or my tribe? Is it money, career, and status? 

Where is your allegiance? Perhaps it is to none but your own self – and therefore, to everything and nothing! The daily choices of our lives may reveal things that are quite at odds with what we think or openly profess. We will do well to spend some time in quiet: are they worth living, and dying for?

For Bonhoeffer, it was clear. His allegiance was to God. That had led him to leave a promising academic career in the United States to partake in the troubles of his war-torn country. But it also made him realize how fickle his image of himself was and how shallow the praises of people were, not letting him rest on either of these. At the same time, his relationship with God freed and enabled him to love and respect his captors who considered him their enemy, earning the admiration of his fellow prisoners.

Who is this God? Is he worth following after? 

A.Lozaanba Khumbah is a doctoral candidate at Jawaharlal Nehru University (JNU), New Delhi.